They love us.

It’s easy to forget that when they talk back and defy and scream “I hate you!” and cry and tell you that you’ve ruined their lives. Maybe not easy to forget. Easy to be fooled or temporarily blinded might be more accurate. But they love us. And despite all their boundary testing and wanting to grow up so fast, they trust us with a frighteningly steadfast faithfulness. I told my boy he was smart yesterday morning and he’s been bragging to everyone he sees that he’s a smart boy. At this age, his self-esteem and self-image seem to be inseparably linked to what we, his parents, think of him. His older sister is much the same way (just slightly more sophisticated) and is just beginning to develop a small amount of healthy skepticism. Still, if we tell them something, they believe it. You’d think it’d be a source of endless amusement. One day, twenty years from now, one of the children is going to burst into my house yelling, “Dad, you liar! I can’t believe you told me that was true!”

Actually, I’m kind of looking forward to that one.

It’s very difficult to explain how much pressure this puts one under. It’s difficult to convey the weight of the responsibility one has in shaping a person’s outlook and how they see themselves and others. I suppose it’s best not to think of it directly too often. Be a Good person and teach by example. Be the person you want your children to be and everything should mostly take care of itself. Play fair, keep your fingers out of your neighbor’s cake, don’t bite people – that sort of thing. Still, it’s hard not to second-guess my decisions in light of the knowledge that virtually everything I do and say affects the children in some way.

This is a part of the reason why I sometimes feel terrible when I have to disappoint my children by telling them no. I want to give them everything they want. But my wife and I have this Responsibility and we have to deny them some things for their own good. In the back of my mind, though, especially when they’re disappointed enough to cry “I hate you,” I’m thinking, Am I making the right decision? Will he resent/fear/hate because of this? If I don’t give them what they want, will my eardrums burst?

I was about to write that no one tells you these things before you have kids. But even if they did, nothing anyone says or writes can truly prepare you for what it is really like. It’s arduous. It’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. And the most rewarding and wonderful.

And also the noisest.

Comments

1. Peter Norby on 2006-01-03 23:01:48 wrote: I don’t think anything except actually being a parent can present all the challenges and rewards that parenting involves. I don’t even know if I’d have stepped up to the plate if somebody had tried to describe it all to me though. It’s a tough job, but I think you’re qualified :) -//

2. How did you find that? on 2006-01-04 13:55:32 wrote: […] His blog entry of yesterday gives me the understanding that my wife and I are not the only one dealing with the ups and downs of rearing our kids. And if you don’t like reading, you can at least look at his purty pictures…. […]

3. Allan on 2006-01-13 12:59:27 wrote: Noisiest? Yup. Indescribably arduous, difficult, rewarding, and wonderful? Yup. As far as saying “no”, I think of Veruca Salt. The balance to “no” is making a consistent effort to present your kids with an array of other options you feel comfortable saying “yes” to. To my mind, it’s a healthy sign that you are conscious of your actions and decisions. However, if you’re doing the best you can, then don’t get bent out of shape about honest mistakes. As with everything truly significant in life, there is a certain amount of faith involved. ~A