This is the personal website of John Watson: father, software developer, artist, guitar player. Follow me on Mastodon or Twitter or Twitch or itch.io or GitHub.

One less

Dear Son,

You lost your first milk tooth today and began a life less deciduous. Congratulations. And thank goodness too because we were beginning to worry when that second row of evil-looking shark teeth appeared. You popped it out while trying to separate two LEGO bricks. LEGO truly is the Toy of Toys.

We know you had been anticipating this day for a long time and we have nothing but the utmost desire to keep you healthy and happy so we hope you will understand when I explain that the tooth you put under your pillow was not technically yours.

You see, after your lovely and talented mother dried your tears and cleaned your face and gave you a popsicle and made it all better, she took your tooth to the sink to clean it. And there, in a fit of uncharacteristic clumsiness, she dropped it directly down the drain.

She searched valiantly. I brought flashlights and tweezers and even offered to dismantle the sink but it was all for naught. Even as I write this, I imagine your tooth is making its way briskly to the sea. As I look out my window toward the setting sun, I can see it in my mind’s eye bobbing merrily along the canals and waterways of the municipal sewer system, passing heroically through the local treatment plant, and being disgorged triumphantly into the briny and everlasting embrace of the vast Pacific just as The Red Russian Army Choir reaches the thundering climax of The Battle Hymn of the Republic.

It’s really quite poetic when you think about it in those terms.

If this news upsets you, I can only offer you these words of solace: it wasn’t my fault. One hopes you will make a special note that I personally never actually came into possession of the tooth in question, my hands being otherwise occupied with a fine pale ale and assorted snacks.

By now you may be wondering what it was you put under your pillow this fateful night. I don’t feel comfortable writing in a public venue about how we acquired several spare teeth. But ask me about it some day.

Yours lovingly and toothfully,

Dad

Comments

  1. Sylvia on 2008-04-09 08:59:34 wrote: LOLSIMI! (Laughing out loud seriously I mean it!) Wonderful writing and hilarious content. My favorite line: …these words of solace: it wasn’t my fault. So male! ;)

  2. RubiaLala on 2008-04-09 09:18:57 wrote: That is so sad! He didn’t get to put his first tooth under his pillow. I hope the Tooth Fairy was good to him.

  3. Andrew on 2008-04-09 23:30:20 wrote: I wish I can do that when my son lost his first tooth. He lost it somewhere unnoticed, and he cried looking for it the whole day.

  4. afoi on 2008-04-10 00:29:35 wrote: hahah!! good one!!! LOL!

  5. Kat on 2008-04-16 07:42:32 wrote: So many LOL-lines in here, Jon! but my favorites are on paragraph 3: “…after your lovely and talented mother dried your tears (…) in a fit of uncharacteristic clumsiness,” And borrowing Sylvia’s words - LOLSIM! What a funwriter you are, Mr. Dad! Thanks for sharing.