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Moving On

“It’s true that men are far more likely than women to be sexual predators. But our society, while declining to profile by race or nationality when it comes to crime and terrorism, has become nonchalant about profiling men. Child advocates are advising parents never to hire male babysitters. Airlines are placing unaccompanied minors with female passengers.” – Moving On - WSJ.com

Comments

  1. LC on 2007-09-08 12:03:39 wrote: I had never really thought about this topic in this way before, but this is one of the most disheartening things I’ve read in a long time. I always thought it was so sad that a female friend of mine says she never hugs any of her students if they fall down and scrape their knee or are simply having a bad day. But to see that many men won’t touch children at all, or hesitate to even hold their own child’s hand in public is just so beyond how things should be. I really don’t even know what to say. It’s just another thing in a list of many that saddens and frustrates me about our alarmist society. In what universe should a busy father ever be questioned for spending some of his limited free time with his daughter eating a meal and making some quality time for her?

  2. fyngyrz on 2007-09-08 14:13:51 wrote: I’ve been sharply aware of this for years, and concur that interaction with children - any kind - is very much a threat to males today. This is a pendulum swing I think, and in a few decades, it may swing back the other way like many social over-reactions. But in the meantime, it is a very serious threat to men. Luckily, I’ve already raised my children (3 boys), because I would under no circumstances spawn and raise children today. I also teach martial arts, but I won’t teach kids under 16, which is a legal trigger age in my state for various issues. There are no children in my school. The problems are many, they extend far beyond interacting with other people’s kids. You can’t strongly discipline your own kids when you have a strong-willed child who needs it (and they turn into little self-indulgent monsters as a direct consequence… “quiet time”, my aching posterior.) Directly related to this, they become demanding and pushy, obnoxious and self-centered. I have seen this over and over, and I’ve seen parents try (completely ineffectually) to control these kids in the restaurants, stores and other public places. They fail utterly. The kids have little respect for authority, parental in particular, and honestly, why should they? It has no teeth as far as they’re concerned. They know they can control their parents with the threat (even unspoken) of reporting them to the authorities, because they’re been told precisely that over and over in school, by teachers, counselors, social workers and so forth. It may remain unspoken, but that doesn’t mean they don’t know. They do. Parents are emasculated, they can’t control children with the tools that remain to them, and when the terrible teens arrive, you’d better hope you have created naturally reasonable people for offspring or you’re in for an interesting ride. In the Chinese sense of the remark. With just a few words, kids can instantly characterize you as a predator or abuser to teachers, police, social workers and others to whom society has unwisely delegated over-riding parental rights. If that happens then you’re in jail, or at least court, paying lawyers left and right and hoping you’re not going to be registered as some kind of deviant in fine 17th-century style. You should never, ever leave yourself alone with a child that isn’t yours, never touch them, never respond to them, never give them gifts, don’t move to talk to them if they look lost, don’t smile at them, don’t invite them to hang out with your kids, don’t ever consider the role of a big brother, mentor, scout leader, camp counselor, etc. Basically treat them as if they were porcupines or skunks. Take off the other way as quietly and inconspicuously as possible. Otherwise, you and everything you do may be lost to your family and friends, not to mention your own experience as a free and productive person going right down the drain. Unless, of course, you think you can beat a prosecutor bent on getting one more win for the team from the easily-beaten pool of scummy predators. Which now includes you. (Tip: You probably can’t beat them - you’re guilty the very second you are accused.) There are other factors corroding society that are related to this issue. Anyone convicted of a crime in this general area becomes a permanently guilty and unredeemable person. They must “register” in their community and when they move, and cannot be employed in various jobs (and I’m not just talking about jobs that deal with kids - people simply will not give them work.) They are forbidden to live in even vague proximity to schools, which often actually means “not in my town, you don’t.” Constitutional protections are dropped without a second thought for these people, for instance, punishments for predators are increased retroactively and this has been approved right up to the supreme court level; people and legislators and judges are so focused on how much they dislike the crime, they don’t want to see what they’re doing to everyone else in terms of legal precedents, rights and liberties. At this point in time, it is almost impossible for a person with a conviction (it isn’t even relevant as to whether they actually committed a crime) to pay their assigned debt to society and make a fresh start; that is astonishingly short-sighted, because what develops is the speedy and inevitable creation of a class of people who cannot ever be anything other than felons, predators, murderers, etc. They can’t get work, vote, own weapons, get housing, or ever escape the stigma of whatever it is they have done. Which leaves them little reason (or means) to be “good citizens.” Essentially, one conviction (you should carefully note this is not a synonym for “one crime”) means permanent membership in the lowest class of society. There are minefields for the kids themselves; a young man here in my town got himself registered as a sexual predator because he had consensual sex with his girlfriend, who was, according to the law, too many years younger than he was. That in turn led to accusations of “sex without consent” (because if you cross the statutory line, the law deems that you are not competent to consent.) Both kids were older teenagers. It was unbe-**-ing-leivable to watch happen. At one point this boy faced four twenty year sentences. Now he’s a registered sex offender. For having sex with his non-virginal, consenting girlfriend of several years; the twist here is he turned 18, and suddenly the legal issues arose, huge and unavoidable. I see his parents often (this is a small town) and they know I am in sympathy with them (I told them so.) Consequently they speak to me of the situation, and man, are they bitter. As well they should be. Frankly, I consider myself extraordinarily lucky to have gotten my kids “out the door” before society fell down this particular rabbit hole. I don’t envy those of you who have kids now in any way, shape or form. What a disaster you face, especially if your kid needs a firm hand, as many do.

  3. NoNamePlease on 2007-09-08 20:28:34 wrote: Speaking as the mother of a son whom I cuddled and hugged and kissed mercilessly his entire childhood, and also as a person who worked for 39 years in a public school, mostly with kids 10-14 years old, I concur in much of what the first two said. Because of the bad deeds of some, ALL are suspect and all must behave in such a way that no possible suspicion could ever fall on them. This is tricky when one deals with pre-teens and young teens, whose lives are full of angst and who seek out admired teachers to talk to and confide in. Once upon a time, I was that teacher, and in the beginning I didn’t know any better than to chat with them with the door closed, to give them a ride home after school, or even to give them a hug when it seemed called for. I was never accused of anything, but looking back on those days, I shudder to realize what could have happened. Nowdays I would probably send the child to the school counselor and hope that that individual could meet the need. Gone are the days when children from neglectful and abusive homes could at least have school to look forward to, where they might find a caring teacher to give them special attention and support. In some people’s eyes, just the fact that you chose to be a teacher and to spend your life working with children makes you suspect. I have read articles that list the preferred occupations of pedophiles, and teaching is one of them. But I have lived with, and known others who have lived with, the other side of this troubling issue. My grandfather was not a pedophile in the strictest sense, because as far as I know, he had adult sex as his primary sexual activity. But he also tried to touch and kiss the female children in the family as they began to reach puberty, and after he became senile he tried to touch and caress every female that got within arm’s reach! Some people might jokingly refer to him as a dirty old man. But I remember his picking me up in his arms when I was a child and cupping his hand in my crotch. I was frightened and embarrassed, and heartsick because of the sense of betrayal that I felt, powerless to go against the adult who was my caretaker. Nothing like it had ever happened to me before, and I now realize that the anxiety I felt afterward was probably depression from the sense of loss of the security and safety that I had always felt within my own family. For the rest of his very long life I tried to stay out of his reach, not always successfully. Recently I learned that he often grabbed and tried to kiss and caress another of my young female cousins. She and I are daughters of this man’s daughters, who were surely also his targets at some point in their lives,(I know for a fact that my mother was because she told me so.) and yet both our mothers left us in his care. In addition to my own case, I personally know two other women who were molested, even raped, by male family members when they were children. I also have a friend whose two little girls were molested by the teenage neighbor boy who babysat them. Would I have wanted my grandfather to be arrested and go to jail for what he did? No. He was not a predator in the sense that he planned his attacks. He was an opportunistic molester, who apparently was aroused by all females and who had no boundaries about acting on his desires. And he was my grandfather. But the way he behaved was still vile, and hurtful, and unacceptable, and if he had done this with younger children who did not know how to elude him, he would have deserved whatever punishment the law allows. So, my personal opinion is that pedophilia deserves all the attention it gets. It may be much more widespread than we know. From what I have read, clinically diagnosed pedophiles have a very high rate of recidivism, and say themselves that they cannot be cured. I deplore that we must all be suspect because of these sick people, and all we can do to protect ourselves from being falsely accused is avoid any possibility of accusation. If I were a male I would feel angry that my gender makes me automatically unfit to care for someone else’s child. But I would never put myself in a position to be suspected, unless it was some emergency situation where the child’s life was at stake. Of course, this doesn’t help those who have tried to avoid suspicion but have still been falsely accused. Hopefully children raised from infancy by loving, supportive, appropriately affectionate parents, parents who give careful guidance AND discipline, will be children who love and appreciate their parents or other caregivers and who would never even think of falsely accusing them of anything. But there are no guarantees, and it is sad to think that before one has children one must consider the possibility that one day that child might make false accusations against the parents! Well I’ve talked long enough. What’s the bottom line here? I guess there isn’t one.

  4. anon on 2007-09-09 09:53:07 wrote: I can understand all of the above comments. As the victim of sexual crime I must say that I believe there are definate problems with a system that classifies sexual crimes the way we do here in the states. When a truck driver stands at the side of the road and relieves himself, gets caught, gets the same status as a man who exposes himself in a park to minors -there is something wrong. There IS a difference between two hormonal teens who go way too far and the jerk who seduces and takes advantage of a youth in a pretended romance set up specifically for that sexual power and authority. I think that the criminal justice system is a joke at times. Someone can steal a car and be in jail for five times the sentence than for a rape in some states. Preditors and repeat offenders should never be allowed out, and in my opinion are not able to be rehabilitated, therefore they should recieve a death sentence and get it over with. People who get caught whizzing on a tree, slap their hand and let them go. Kids who get caught, let them deal with the consequences of their actions…you wanna be a grown up, tada! here you go, deal. I suppose the point here is that if we severely punished those who are true criminals and kept them off the streets, the everyday Jo could go back to being an actual human being with emotions and affection.

  5. Kevin on 2007-09-12 12:24:12 wrote: This has troubled me for some time. I am a very proud and active father and I am very affectionate with my 3.5 year old son. I will proudly hold his hand in public and I won’t go to sleep at night until I get a big hug and kiss. The list goes on and I’m sure I’ll be embarrassing him in front of his friends for years to come. This concept really hit home earlier this year when I was waiting in line at the post office. I saw a little girl about 2 standing with her mom in front of me in line. When Mom was talking to the clerk, little girl started to wander away a bit and was slowly walking towards the door with typical curiosity. I was between her and the door and so acting in a new-parent-esque protectiveness, I knelt down, cautiously keeping my distance so as not to seem threatening and said “hey sweetie… where you going?” which I stated purposely loud enough for Mom to hear me so she would turn around and notice her little girl was wandering off. When she did notice, she turned around and was startled and immediately ran over to her little girl, grabbed her hand gruffly and pulled her toward her. I started to stand up expecting a acknowledging look from the mom in a sort of “thanks for stopping her” or eye-rolling “kids these days!” kind of way. But what I got was a glare of venom and accusation that seemed to say “how dare you speak to my child you pedophile!!” I was literally stunned. My jaw must have been hanging open because I was speechless. It felt like someone had slapped me. I had been preparing to smile back and say something like “yeah, I have a 3 year old, they are so hard to keep track of.” But all I could do was just stand there, horrified. What would her reaction have been if I was a woman instead of a 30-something man? I looked relatively clean cut since I was on my way to work. I’m not exactly intimidating. Then the saving grace. They stood there in front of me after the dust settled. While Mom was firmly gripping her hand, the Little Girl’s turned around, looked right at me and smiled an innocent, beautiful and seemingly apologetic smile. I slowly returned her smile and winked at her which made her giggle and turn away. I shook my head and smiled to myself, relieved that in this world where every man seems to be a predator in the minds of some, that there is still an opportunity for one of those moments. She knew I was ok… her mom probably never will.