I’ve discussed this with a couple of moms this month and they agree: in some ways being a single parent is actually easier than dual parenting. For instance, any decision I make is final. There are no discussions with a spouse or overturned decisions and there are no sneaky appeals. I don’t have to compromise. I even rearranged our bedroom furniture.

And there are other benefits, too. I get 100% of the attention from the kids. And I feel like I’ve gotten to know them a little better and they me.

On the other hand, it’s a lot of work and can be stressful. The entire day, from the minute one wakes up until the kids go to bed, is an almost constant, frantic race. The kids going to school isn’t even a respite (a mere 3 hours for the Boy) because there is always laundry or cleaning or, in my case, running a small business to be done. It’s possible to be a single parent and do it well (if I do say so myself), but no matter how good I get at it I’m still just one person.

Which leads to confrontations like the one I had this evening with my daughter. I was preparing dinner and planning ahead to the logistics of getting one of them in the bathtub while the other did homework and getting them both in bed by 8:30pm. She wanted to play. I said I couldn’t because I was making dinner. She cried, all of the pent up frustration and exhaustion and missing her Mom bursting forth at once salty and bitter, rolling down her cheeks.

I didn’t have time for her, she accused. She looked so broken when she said that. And, in a way, she was right.

Although everything I was doing was for her and her brother, in many ways it was indirect, detached. Doing laundry, helping with homework, making breakfast, filling lunch boxes, shopping for groceries, earning a living… it doesn’t satisfy the same needs as playing hide-and-seek or curling up with a bedtime story does. And they’re each important.

It’s such a difficult balancing act, caregiver vs. dad. Two parents, who can take turns in the roles of Commander and Nurturer, are an unbelievable luxury in comparison.

I knelt down and hugged her but I still couldn’t give her my undivided attention (food on the stove). So I did the best I could and asked her to help me make dinner. She perked up after that. We reviewed the basics of boiling water and controlling the flame on the stove. They both helped season our meal. And we had a nice dinner together. I even sat down (briefly) before getting a head start on the dishes while the kids finished their meals.

My Lovely and Talented Wife will be home in just a few days. We’re all of us counting the hours.

Comments

1. Sylvia on 2007-09-27 06:26:19 wrote: Well said. Those who lament the “breakdown of the family” because so many mothers and fathers both work should read your post. The family is not doomed to break down when both parents have jobs. Presuming the family was healthy to begin with, in my opinion the breakdown occurs when the mother takes a job outside the home, but nothing else changes. She is still in charge of all household chores and activities, including everything to do with childcare. The way you and LATW have done it is ideal. Each of you has benefited by walking in the other parent’s shoes, because you have learned from it and have worked to get it right for everyone, especially your children. Applause, applause. And on behalf of LATW, who were these moms, and where were you talking to them? What did they say? Were they cute? ;)

2. s’mee on 2007-09-27 08:07:05 wrote: I think this post should be mandatory reading for anyone with offspring. Well done.

3. DaveTheWave on 2007-09-27 09:29:30 wrote: I’m there with you every weekend. The wife works Saturday and Sunday while I work Monday-Friday. I usually get home just in time for dinner/bath/bed, in that order. If I’m lucky we read a story during the week. When the weekend comes, I have all the stuff that didn’t get done during the week to deal with and still try to find time to “play” with the boys. Having a breasting feeding 4 month old doesn’t help… Sounds like you are making it…

4. tracey on 2007-09-30 22:59:14 wrote: sigh. we’ve had nights like that. seems there is never enough time to do it all.

5. Angie on 2007-10-02 23:59:40 wrote: I know how you feel. Cooking together can be a great fun activity to do with the kids - perhaps you should consider doing it more often if you or the other half is away?