I can never be sure when they’ll strike. When I’m washing the dishes, when I’m asleep, whether we’re having a tea party or wrestling, whether I’m the monster or the hero, whether it’s me vs. the kids or we’re on the same team, without fail, someone, at some point will attempt, in the most painful way possible, to destroy my ability to father children. It’s like there’s a big red target and an arrow with the words “Hit Here” on me. We’ve talked about it of course. Lines have been drawn. But they’re youngins, and in the thick of the fray, sometimes things happen. My boy is about three feet tall and I’m six feet tall – perhaps it’s height-related.

Still, when I turned around after brushing my teeth this morning, the last thing I wanted to see was my boy charging me with Lofty the Crane with all the determination of a samurai warrior. You think a person would achieve a sense of heightened awareness, a “spider-sense” if you will, for these kinds of surprise attacks.

No. Let me be the first to tell you that that is not the case.

Comments

1. Dr.Nik on 2006-03-14 11:27:27 wrote: Ouch. Funny. Ha.

2. David on 2006-03-16 03:43:26 wrote: I sometimes get the feeling that I’m just a bean bag, albeit with arms and legs and a voice. But I’m great for throwing onesself at. No bones broken yet.

3. Dreadmouse on 2006-03-16 07:41:43 wrote: My daughter is only one month old. A month! She has no coordination at all… and yet she has squared me so many times with a soccer-like kick to the groin that I wince every time I even see her foot now. I guess she doesn’t want siblings?

4. Norby on 2006-03-26 20:37:45 wrote: Wikipedia. Look up “Kancho” :) -//

5. Jeff Wilkinson on 2006-03-30 10:13:06 wrote: yeah, a cup should definitely be required equipment for fatherhood. you can’t even have the satisfaction of really yelling in pain since they just feel hurt… unfortunately it doesn’t end when they’ve grown so that their head is past that height… I’ve gotten nailed by my 8 and 11 yrs olds in various ways. just as well I wasn’t planning to have more kids, though it’d still be nice to go without the periodic assaults…

6. penni on 2006-04-01 09:31:17 wrote: funny! sorry but it is….. Our youngest (21) moved out last year and my husband said, finally the kids are gone I think I can relax and not worry about ever being groined again. Then the dog came running in… Well, you can guess.