And now for something completely different.

I wrote a song last week and spent the better part of the weekend recording and tweaking it. Everything about it screams “amateur” which is true. But I like it and I wanted to share it anyway. I also feel like if I don’t just put it out there then I’ll keep tweaking it forever and I’ve got more important things I need to be doing! It’s the second song I’ve written since I started playing and the first full-length one. (Here’s my first.)

Now that I’m done making excuses, have a listen. There is some PG-13 language and a flippant attitude about suicide, so if that bothers you then please skip it:

I Died Three Years Ago, mp3, 3.6MB

It’s sort of a love song. Here’s the back story: the husband of a young, childless couple dies. Let’s say they’re newlyweds. The particulars of his death aren’t important—just that it was unexpected, quiet, and meaningless. You know, tragic. It’s taken the wife three years to mourn and finally get on with her life. She’s dating again. But the dead husband has not moved on… won’t move on.

I wrote poetry like this for a few weeks in a college writing class once upon a time. This is what comes out of me when I write fiction.

Chords and lyrics:

E E7 Amaj7 Am7 (capo on 4)

I wrote my name in the steam
on your bathroom mirror
sorry that freaked you out
it was a bad idea in hindsight
I can see that now
not even sure how I did it
I don’t have any hands

I hate your brand new boyfriend
I think that he’s an ass
I don’t see why you like him
I guess he’s got nice hair
don’t have much use for products
no gel for ectoplasm
being disembodied sucks

He said he saw me in the hall
making scary faces
strange demonic noises
but it really wasn’t me
well maybe just that one time
he’s such a little bitch
I know you could do better

I died three years ago
but for me
it is always yesterday

Yes that was me who moved your keys
it’s the only way I have
left to show I care
it was just a coincidence
it made you late for that jerk hole
I’ve always had bad timing…

I heard he finally left you
ran screaming from the house
like a giant crying baby
can’t say that I’ll miss him
he wasn’t right for you
I guess I’m sorry you’re depressed
FYI I’m still dead

I died three years ago
but for me
it is always yesterday

The kitchen knives are sharp
and there’s rope in the garage
I don’t recommend the Drano
any of these things
would bring you back to me
pick something quick and painless
I’ll be waiting here for you

If you’re interested in the technical details… I recorded all of the vocals and instruments separately (using a Samson C01 condenser microphone into a Xenyx 802 mixer) and put the song together with Ardour. There are three guitar tracks, three vocal tracks, and I used Hydrogen to create the drum loop in the chorus. Ardour is amazing by the way. It’s a superb—and completely free—tool for post-processing multi-track audio. Hydrogen: also awesome.

Every Winter, for the past five or six years, we’ve gone on a whale watching cruise with family and friends on New Year’s day. I used these pills once and I should have used them another time when I didn’t. Some of us spend the day prior with my sister-in-law and her husband and the rest meet us at the pier in the morning. It’s always cold. We see whales 67% of the time. On the first cruise I took some pictures of whales. I haven’t since. In twenty years time I doubt I’ll remember them or the occasional sea sickness. All I think I’ll remember is the love, huddled together in the bow with our backs to the cold, the sea in our noses and on our lips, the lazy throb of the engine carrying us back to shore.

After our cruises we always go to Ruby’s, a 50′s themed diner off the pier. At Ruby’s you can get classic hamburgers, hot soup, fish and chips, and tables for 20 with great service without a reservation.

One New Year’s day, as we were about to leave, we discovered we had a flat tire. I don’t remember the logistics but I do remember waiting a long time for an $18 patch at Sears. Now that I think back on it, I was lucky to be able to get tire service at 4pm on New Year’s Day. I can’t find the name of the mechanic on the work order. I wish I knew his name…

My signature was different in 2006. I don’t know anything about handwriting analysis but, to me, my old signature lacks confidence. Heavy, awkward strokes, deliberate curls and loops. My signature is on the work order in three places and it’s different each time. 2006 was to be another year of transition for me. Several unconnected events, years in the making, were converging toward a new path. I couldn’t predict it but perhaps part of me felt the potential.

The resume is tattered, folded in quarters, stained with dirt and… coffee? The top entry reveals that I was laid off in January of 2005. That was a stressful New Year that turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me. I think many people get comfortable in situations that they don’t actually like, trapped by the ease of it, unwilling to face the uncertainty and fear of change even though they claim to desire it. People like me. Being downsized was a brutal catalyst of change that forced me to go through the pain of choosing a better life. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But sometimes, to get someplace better, you have to jump without knowing exactly where you are going to land. 2005 taught me to try to make the most of the opportunity even if I’m shoved instead.

The sunglasses were stylish and overpriced though I think now that they were too small for my head and probably looked out of place on my unfashionably dressed body. They’re completely destroyed now, nearly a decade old. I don’t know why I hung onto them so long. The memory is lost. I vaguely recall a shop in a mall, we were there together, I don’t think we had our first child yet… I had just started or was about to start that job on my resume.

Everything goes into the trash now. It’s time to start a new cycle of memories.

Happy new year.

It was comforting. Like I’m doing something right. Like the sound of fresh-baked bread crackling on the counter as it cools. Like the smell of shaving lotion and the satisfied feel of a good shave. Like the fit of your wife’s hand in your hand. All of that times infinity.