Daughter: Dad, my friend told me I’m a drama queen. Me: That sounds about right. Daughter: OH MY GOSH YOU HATE ME!! I couldn’t stop laughing while she stormed out of the kitchen. I apologized after lunch (but seriously) and explained a few things. My lovely and talented wife is away on business for the [...]

One of the occupational hazards of being a geeky self-employed entrepreneur who runs his own servers is that I am my own IT department. And that means sometimes I am awakened early in the morning by an urgent message from one of my servers. And after it’s fixed I often crawl back into bed. And [...]

Wife: So far, I washed the car, ran errands, and picked up The Boy. What did you do today? Me: Not much. You did a lot this morning, though. Wife: Oh, you do way more than me. Me: Pfft! I don’t do anything. You’re the one with three jobs. Wife: But what you do brings [...]

Me: My new guiding principle is What Would Liz Lemon Do. WWLLD. Wife: And, what, do the opposite? Me: No, no. It’s actually a big time saver. For example, I was about to get a bowl of ice cream and I thought, WWLLD, and I ate it straight from the carton instead. Wife: That’s idiotic. [...]

Daughter: Dad! Dad! I had a dream! And I could see what was going to happen in the future! And it was real! Me: Whoa. Daughter: Dad! Am I a sidekick? Me: Hm. Try this: “Holy divination, Batman!” Daughter: Holy divination, Batman! Me: Yep, you’re a sidekick. But I don’t think you’re psychic. Daughter: Huh? [...]

Daughter: Do you know the S-word? Son: Yeah. Daughter: What is it then? Son: “Stupid.” And I know the M-word: “moron.” Daughter: Everybody knows those words. Son: What other letter words are there? Daughter: I don’t know. Son: Let’s make our own letter words! Daughter: Uh, I don’t think that’s a good idea.

Son: Dad, I got invited to a birthday party! Me: Oh, cool! Let me see the invitation. Mm hmm. Looks like fun. Son: Yah! Daughter: I wish I could go. Me: Been a while since you’ve been to one? Daughter: Yes! I haven’t been to a birthday party since January! Me: No more this year? [...]

Me: So, do you like the new Doctor better than the old one? Lovely and Talented Wife: Well… Me: I know, it’s tough, huh? I think they’re both really good Doctors. Wife: They’re both excellent actors. Me: But the current Doctor. I can tell he’s grown on you. Wife, nodding: Yah. He made a little [...]

Daughter: Mom, the boy in this movie is the same boy that was in the original Willy Wonka. Wife: No, I don’t think that’s possible. Daughter: It looks like him. Wife: But he was like 10 in 1963. Daughter: Oh my gosh, he’s DEAD?!

Me: Our family is 50% Mexican. Lovely and Talented Wife: Why do you always have to bring math into it? Me: It’s what I do. Wife: So what do you call your crazy half? Me: It is a strange mix, isn’t it? My Mom is Korean and my Dad’s family is from Norway by way [...]