Son: Dad, what day is it? Me: 16. Son: Mmm… chicken pretzels. I’m buying lunch! Daughter: Oh yah! I’m buying, too! Me: Seriously? Chicken pretzels? Isn’t that gross? Daughter: Dad, it’s just chicken in the shape of a pretzel. Me: Yes, that’s exactly my point.

Lovely and Talented Wife: I’m freezing. Me: Put on a sweater. Wife: I slept in socks, flannels, a tank top, a thermal shirt and five blankets and I was still cold. Me: You slept so well because I have the thermostat set low. Wife: No, I did not sleep well. I was still cold. Wait, [...]

Wife: Please shave today. Me: I guess it’s been a while. At least I’m still gorgeous. Wife: … Me: Well, I mean I haven’t looked in the mirror yet today. But can’t I just take my word for it?

Texting the lovely and talented wife this morning… Me: It’s day of the ninja. Be stealthy and kill at least four people today. Wife: You are so random. Me: I’m so ninja I killed three people so far today and they don’t even know it. Wife: I’m so ninja *I* don’t even know it. Me: [...]

The kids have a behavior chart in their classrooms and each of them has a clip with their name on it. They “clip up” for good behavior and “clip down” when they get into trouble… Me: So, how was school today? Did you clip up? Son: No, I clipped down… But! But, Dad! Clipping down [...]

Me: Whoa! Is that dude’s name really Jor-El? *pause* Lovely and Talented Wife: *sigh* Yes. Me: You know who I’m talking about, right? Wife: Yes. Me: That’s awesome. *play* Me: It’s just a coincidence, though, right? *pause* Lovely and Talented and Patient Wife: *sigh* What? Me: I mean, it’s not comic related. Wife: Probably not. [...]

Lovely and talented wife: Where are our calling cards? Me: In the envelope drawer. Wife: Dare I ask why they are in the envelope drawer? Me: I took “envelopes” to mean “mail stuff.” Wife: Calling cards aren’t mail stuff. Me: Well, they have our address on them so people can use them to send us [...]

Wife: Your seatbelt is off! Me: I know. I’m putting it on now. Wife: Ack! We’re driving! Me: You know, as the driver, you’re responsible for your passengers’ safety. Wife: I’m not responsible for you. You’re an “adult.” Me: I’m pretty sure I could convince a cop that I’m retarded. Wife: No doubt. Me: Hey!

Scene: Grocery store cereal aisle Me: Did you get my cereal? Wife: There is no such thing as “Barb’s Wheat Squares.” Me: Hm. Wait, here they are. Wife: Those? Are those wheat? Me: Uh, multigrain? Wife: Are they squares? Me: Technically, they’re hexagons. Wife: Are they called Barb’s Wheat Squares? Me: Um, no. They’re called [...]

The doorbell rings but I’m not sure I heard it. I lean back in my chair, straining my hearing towards the hallway, and listen. I hear small feet running to the front of the house. “Who is it?” My son’s voice echoes up the stairs and through the hall. No answer. He knows exactly what [...]