Me: Are you guys dressed yet? The Girl: No. The Boy: No… I’m not even wearing pants.

Son: Dad, I need help. Me: With what? Son: I’m trying to make a peanut butter and jelly but I can’t open the jelly. It’s too hard. Me: OK, I can help you with that. Son: And the second problem is I can’t find the bread! Me: We’ll find that, too. Come on. Son: Thanks, [...]

Me: You’re the bee’s knees. Daughter: … Me: It means ”you’re awesome.” Daughter: I know what it means, Dad. I speak “old people.”

Me: I had their first album on cassette. Daughter: On what? Me: Cassette tape. Music used to come on cassettes—little rectangular plastic things about this big—before CDs. Daughter: … Daughter: Oh my god you are so old. And then she laughed and laughed and laughed.

Wife: What the what are you looking at? Me: Random blogs. Getting inspiration for a redesign for my site. Wife: Why is that picture on your screen? Me: Oh, that. Just got lucky, I guess.

Me: Are we seriously going out to dinner at 4pm? Wife: It’s a late lunch. Me: Whatever, Grandma. The kids are off visiting with relatives and this is what becomes of us. Roll out of bed at 11 and lunch at 4.

Son: Hey, Dad, you’re a pretty good singer. Me: Thanks! Son: Yah, if you were just a little younger you could be in a band.

My first topic—”Could I fight a bear and win?”—is still going strong. At hunch.com.

Girl 1: I’m a vegetarian again. Girl 2: Me too! Well, you know. Girl 1: I was a vegetarian for like five years, then stopped for three, now I’m back. Girl 2: I’ve been one for years. Except for bacon. Bacon is delicious.

Me: So, what are you going to do when your friend comes over? Daughter: First, we’re going to throw rocks at stuff. Don’t worry, our rocks. Then we’re going to play in the fort. Then jump on the giant bean bag. Me: Sounds like a full schedule. Daughter: Yah, we’re pretty good friends.